DAY EIGHTY-NINE: The Pauper Drinks a Boost
I used to have a major problem watching the show Girls. This is a well-documented road block known to my friends. When I was in college, I had an idea to write a show about three post-grad women in their early twenties trying to navigate life, love, and career pitfalls.
"But Hannah, everyone who has ever had an idea has had that idea."
The reason I was sure watching Girls would cause me to convulse, spasm, vomit, and rotate my head 1080 degrees was a tonal reason. I wanted my show to be real. It would star a young woman, not stereotypically beautiful, but a woman that women could identify with. She would be an anti-heroine. Not always the best person, someone you certainly shouldn't admire, but she'd endear you because of her humor. She would make horrible sexual decisions. There would never be a scene where the characters begin kissing, and then slowly fade into the morning after with the two of them laying awkwardly in bed with the sheet pulled up to her chin. She was an aspiring writer with deeply penetrating fears of writing. Her "love" interest was named Adam, because I always named my male counterpart Adam. And she was me. She was Hannah.
I tell you all this because some of you readers don't know me well enough to understand my frustrations at seeing and hearing about this show. But I can assure you from the number of times it was brought up in conversation, "Have you seen Girls?! You would love it!" that this show stole my idea. And Lena Dunham would pay... by not having me watch it!
Until, yeah, I watched it. I cringed as I saw exact storylines I had thought of executed in incredibly similar ways. I squirmed as little "self-deprecation in the face of comedy" moments played out like Hannah always sneaking into the fridge to eat something when stressed, even if it's Cool Whip. I agonized as Jessa responded to Hannah's sighting of Adam with "Who? The first man?", a rationale I adopted long ago in my writing. It was difficult to digest, but I watched the whole damn thing.
Girls and I have a very complicated relationship. It's nearly impossible for me to watch this show without bias. The same things I love about the show are the same things I love about my writing. But the Catch-22 is I therefore hate everything about the show that I hate about my own writing. And that self-loathing is the reason I'm sitting here at 26 writing a blog that about 4 people read and at 26, Lena Dunham won a couple Golden Globes.
She had the confidence to go after an idea she had. Whereas I have a tendency to overanalyze everything I do creatively, she just did it. (Don't even get me started on Tiny Furniture. I have a nearly finished screenplay stored on my hard-drive that would like to have a word with it.)
So how do we attain this confidence? Well, speaking from two month's experience, it helps not being berated at work on a daily basis. It helps actually showing your work to people. It helps forming friendships with people who not only support you, but encourage you. And it even helps when you have a nice conversation with a mother/daughter at your table who writes "Good luck with your career!" on your credit card receipt. But ultimately, you just have to understand that you won't be perfect, but with practice you will be good - even great. And the difference between the people who make it and the people who don't is confidence. Or an amazingly stupid amount of luck.
Girls and I are doing a little bit better now. I've forgiven it for making me feel like shit about myself. Because something happened over the past year. I realized it's not really the storytelling I aspire to anymore. Kudos to Lena Dunham for doing what she is doing, but the idea of reliving my early 20's for the sake of my career seems like a certain place in hell meant for pedophiles and sandmonsters. My desire to create is stronger than ever. And I think I had to get over myself a little bit before I could do that. I have confidence in knowing Girls is a show I probably could have written (and maybe I'd have a couple Golden Globes to add to my shelf, though I've already got a couple of my own. HEY-O!), but it's no longer the show I want to write. It's no longer the story I want to tell. Because I finally realize I my creation abilities excel beyond recreation of the past. And without Girls, I don't know if I'd ever have gotten out of that frame of mind.
So thanks, Lena. But if your next heroine is named Katharine, I'm coming for you with the force of a thousand and twelve banshee grey hounds.
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