Connect Four!

DAY THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE: The Pauper Re-Evaluates the Essentials

If you died tomorrow, where would you define yourself?

It's a heavy thought, but as someone constantly floating through life searching for an answer to "why?", I think about this often.  Do we leave our mark on others?  Did others leave their mark on us?  Unless you were some kind of latchkey kid who never grew out of it, our lives are constantly echoed by the voices around us.

Relationships.  A bond between one individual and another.  Be it familial, friendship, romantic, or nemesis; our lives are constantly being molded by the people around us.

Last year, a friend posed the question to me; "If scoring the soundtrack of the movie of your first 25 years on the planet, what 4 to 5 songs capture the essence of your core periods?"  I opted for a full soundtrack in lieu of 4 to 5 songs.  My response was an amalgamation of intrepid battles with the opposite sex.  Songs ranging from an electro-pop declaration of loneliness to a meditation on unrequited love.  From a song dedicated to asking my crush to prom to a scene I've always wanted to write into a movie with a woman ridiculously bawling over a recently lost love.  There was a common link that my friend pointed out: Most of my songs revolved around the wounds bestowed upon me by the opposite sex.

It was a jolt.  The kind of jolt you always knew was lurking behind some lurid corner, but never noticed until someone pointed it out.  Like the smell of last night's booze on your breath as you walk into church.  So one question remained: Why did I place so much emphasis on spoiled goods?

As someone no longer self-conscious over the fact that she's never had a relationship, I have niente qualms about admitting all of my past loves have been unrequited.  And yet, I still defined myself by people who couldn't see the beauty I can see in myself.  Why?  Is it some kind of twisted low self-esteem logic buried deep within the teenager that never left?  Fabricated obsession?  A medieval torture device?

Because the thing is, I have had some amazing relationships in my life.  When I was ostracized for suicidal tendencies at age 14, one brave friend confided her personal travails so I didn't feel so alone.  I spent the past three and a half years living with a boy I befriended at age 15 when we both whole-heartedly believed we would be superstars by the age of 21.  I found my confidence in a girl I admired for years before we eventually studied abroad together.  I've had a mentor at work who taught me how to stand up for myself in the face of ugliness.  I've met partners who have nurtured my creativity.  And, oh yes, I met some guys who treated me like shit.  And yet, they are the ones whom I allowed to define my soundtrack.

There is so much beauty to be found in every single relationship we happen upon.  It's such a shame that the pop culture machine breeds [women] to believe the romantic relationships should dictate their lives.  I've spent countless nights sitting on a friends' porches, bearing my soul.  My dreams, my fears, my regrets, my shames, my past, my hopes, my embarrassing bowel movements.  My everythings.  Why do we not cherish these relationships the same way we do with the ones that turn so sour?

I pose this thought because I wonder if it's how the populous feels.  Because the media would lead us to believe so.  I spent some time watching trailers for upcoming cinematic features.  Anything with a female lead inevitably featured a woman toiling over her romantic woes.  Do women genuinely obsess about romance this much?  Or do we obsess about it because we've been programmed to believe it's our lot in life?

You know what I want to see?  More than anything.  I want to see a world where femme-centric films no longer center around the fallacy that women's relationships need to be defined by whom they are fucking.  Because as a woman who spent too much unsatisfying time doing said activity, I can tell the young girls of today the truth.

Relationship: The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

Relationships will always define who we are.  Because the interactions we have in life will invariably affect the actions we take next.  But make no mistake; romantic relationships will define about 5% of the person you become (Scientific fact... Ish.)  As a woman who has very limited experience in relationships of the romantic persuasion, I can promise you that life continues to astound me.  The people I encounter and share my life with, well, those are the people who remind me to wake up in the morning.  That life can still amaze me.  And when two people meet and connect on a level that defies odds, well, that's what I live for.