The Railroad Tracks on the Horizon

DAY SEVENTY-EIGHT: The Pauper Gains Perspective

I'm about to blow your mind grapes: We all see things differently.  Not simply because our life experiences dictate how we perceive any new hurdle presented to us, but because of perspective.  Perspective is the reason this street art:

Is not nearly as impressive as this:

It's the reason members of the Academy in 1942 believed How Green Was My Valley to be superior to a movie that is now widely considered the greatest American film ever made.

Sorry guys, though it fits most of the above description, this movie unfortunately didn't come out until 2011.

And it's the reason someone like Chris Brown can't understand why the world would be a better place if he simply moved to Northern Canada and let the polar bears deal with him.

But even the polar bears beg for sweet, sweet respite.

We see things how we see them because few of us have the range of [e]motions to comprehend a life outside of where we stand.  To do that takes experience.  So for the unexperienced, we often need to take alternative measures to see the truth in a situation.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day.  I wasn't feeling particularly optimistic about my circumstance.  I had made the difficult choice to spend my first Christmas alone in the name of waiting tables.  I've made very little progress in the search for a better "grown up" job outside of submitting resumes until my fingers bled.  And a lack of creative confidence still plagues my thoughts as I stare into the abyss known as "social media helps me see why everyone is so much better off than I am."  So my friend did the best thing he could have done for me, he told me I was being "daft".

He proceeded to point out the fact that I made a decision knowing it would take some time.  He pointed out that it had been roughly 6 weeks since I left my job.  That I have multiple creative opportunities on the horizon.  That this job is only as temporary as I want it to be.  That in order to be what I truly want to be, I am exactly where I need to be.  He gave me perspective.

Some times it's easier to get a hold of perspective.  In the case of the street art, you could just stumble upon the correct spot to view it's ingenuity.  

Other times, there's no way to gain perspective outside of time doing all of the work; as is the case of a film like Citizen Kane losing the title of "Best Picture" in 1942, while being lauded as the great American masterpiece nearly every subsequent year.

But when you don't have the time or the internal ability to avoid a state of mental collapse, the brutal honesty and insight of others can help you see what you can't.  It's a gift for which I am incredibly thankful.  And though my perspective will waiver as my days ebb and flow, I can fall back on the knowledge that where I am now is not absolutely where I will always be.  A simple truth that isn't necessarily so simple when you are too close to the edge of despair to see properly.

Now who is ready to Clockwork Orange the vitriolic piss out of Chris Brown with me?

Decisions

DAY ONE: The Pauper Makes a Choice

Life is all about decisions.  It is rather common knowledge.  But for the first 25 years of my life, none of my decisions were difficult.  Therefore, this adage fell on deaf ears.  Ranging from the utterly useless "what do I want to do on a Saturday night" (hint: it probably involved eating Funions and driving around Frederick County) to the somewhat affecting "where should I go to college?"  Choosing the right college can be tricky, but the thing is, you are already on the path that was basically set out for you from birth.  Which college is really an afterthought.  It doesn't matter where you go.  You'll still at least have a diploma.

All this is to say that I never realized how important decision making was until a job interview in May, 2013.  Yes, approximately three months ago.  The question was posed, "What decisions have you had to make in your current job?"  After pausing for a moment to look deep down for an answer, a panicked voice inside just screamed back up, "You are screwed."  Because for 25 years, I managed to ease on down the proverbial road.  Hell, I never even like to pick the restaurant.

This is probably why I have spent the past four years as administrative support staff.  An underling.  A human punching bag.  Because for the first four years of my adult life, all I wanted to do was ignore the things that made me happy because the fear of rejection was so instilled in me growing up.  And there is no greater rejection on this earth than for creatives.  So why not simply sludge my way through life, earning a paycheck, and never getting my heart stomped all over by rejection?  Oh, because in lieu of rejection, I have opted for soul-sucking drudgery and zero intellectual stimulation.

If this is your chosen profession, please do not take this as a personal assault on your dreams.  Some people are perfectly content with a life in clerical work.  This is only to say that I am not one of those folks.  So I am now ready to ensure that my life does not become a metaphorical vacuum of passion and happiness.

So now I have made a decision.  I have decided that I want to pursue my creative endeavors: writing, performing, and generally utilizing the left portion of my brain before it shrivels to the size of a craisin.  But there is a massive Argionis & Associates, LLC leech sapping all of my creative energy.  I fear I shan't be able to do anything productive when I come home from work reaching for the whiskey over anything else.

And then it hit me.  I should just quit.  A solution so simple.  So obvious.  So... irresponsible!  WHAT AM I DOING?!  I CAN'T QUIT MY JOB!  AND IN THIS ECONOMY?!?!

Of course it is a terrifying prospect.  But no more terrifying than the idea of staying in my current career scenario for the rest of my days.  Timecards stamped and swathed in soul-suck day in and day out until I retire.  I can be like these guys, or I can be like this guy.

This blog will chronicle my newfound, perfectly chosen unemployment and (hopefully) eventual enlightenment.  Because I'm going to need something to break up all the resume submitting and cover letter writing that is hopefully more conducive than this.